


across a fragile line (hold me down)

by SoloChaos



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Rape Aftermath, Religious Conflict, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:17:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4224900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloChaos/pseuds/SoloChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>my demons are begging me to open up my mouth.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>i need them; mechanically make the words come out.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him.</p><p>"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. repudiation

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING:  
> check the tags for triggers. if there's anything else you think should be tagged, please let me know.

_He feels empty._

 

 

 

Josh wakes up in his bunk and doesn't remember anything from the night before until he's in his hotel bathroom and spots his crumpled clothing by the shower. He spins around and promptly vomits into the toilet. 

 

Once he's finished throwing up the entire contents of his stomach, he goes to wash out his mouth. He sees his reflection in the mirror and blanches, horrified. 

 

He looks hollow. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

 

 

Josh strips down, pointedly ignoring the way his body protests to the sudden movements. He steps into the shower and turns the water on, making sure it's as hot as he can handle. He scrubs his skin as ruthlessly as he can, knowing logically that there's nothing left to wash off; the shower last night took care of that. But at the back of his mind, there's something telling him that if he manages to wash the feeling of those _hands_ on him, maybe it never happened. 

 

Yes, maybe it never happened. If he can't _feel_ it, if he denies it ever happened, maybe it never did. They're _his_ memories, and it's his decision to forget them. 

 

Maybe it never happened. Maybe he can _make_ it so it never happened. 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

 

 

It's probably half an hour later when Josh finally shuts off the water and steps out of the shower. The feeling on his skin is mostly gone, but it makes the feeling of the cold hollowness in his chest more prominent. He wraps a towel around his waist and scoops his clothes up. He goes to open the door when he sees his reflection in the mirror and pauses. 

 

"Fucking tin man," he mutters, opening the bathroom door and heading for his bag so he can dress.

 

That's when the hotel door opens. "Josh!"

 

Josh freezes on his way to grab his bag. Does Tyler know? Does he see what Josh sees when he looks into the mirror?

 

But Tyler just smiles and says, "Hey man, we missed you for dinner! I saved you a burrito, though."

 

Josh tries to work his mouth into some kind of smile. "Thanks," he says, and even his voice sounds hollow.

 

"Well, you probably want, like, actual breakfast food, not a burrito," Tyler says as Josh starts to inch over to his bag. "And Taco Bell doesn't really keep that well, but I think it'll be okay if you want it now."

 

"Yeah, uh, that would be great," Josh says. He isn't really hungry, but he would be on any other day. And it _is_ any other day, so he's hungry.

 

They both stand there for a moment. 

 

"Are you gonna get changed?" Tyler asks, breaking the silence. 

 

"Right," Josh says, and he busies himself with picking out his outfit for the day. He can hear Tyler heading for the mini-fridge and pulling something out. He quickly dresses before Tyler has the chance to look at him (and notice that something's wrong) (no there's nothing wrong).

 

"Catch," Tyler says, tossing a cold burrito Josh's way. It'll probably taste gross, but Josh has eaten grosser things. "So, we're gonna be stopping by the laundromat today, by the way. If you wanna sort the dirty stuff out." He jerks his head down in the direction of Josh's bag. Josh has a sudden moment of panic, thinking that Tyler _knows_ why the clothes are dirty, knows that Josh is just as dirty, but he quickly realizes that Tyler is probably referring to the way Josh's clothes are scattered across the floor, making it difficult to tell the clean clothes from the ones that aren't. 

 

"Okay. Thanks," Josh says, unwrapping his burrito. It _is_ disgusting, but he can't really taste it. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

 

 

Tyler leaves a couple minutes later, saying something about finding Mark. Josh finishes the burrito and tosses the wrappers into the trash can before beginning to sort through his clothes. They _were_ packed neatly, but Josh had clawed through them desperately last night, trying to find something that wasn't so… tight. 

 

He has most of his laundry sorted when he picks up the shirt he wore last night. 

 

Josh stares at it. If he can't see the shirt, if he can't see the physical reminder of last night, he can forget about it. He can forget. 

 

He grabs the jeans and underwear from last night; the socks and the jacket and even the shoes. Everything must go. 

 

He shoves them deep into the trash bin, tossing a couple of completely full water bottles in after in an attempt to hide them. He doesn't want to have to answer any of the questions Tyler might ask if he sees them. He'll have nothing to say. 

 

Because nothing happened. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

 

 

"You kind of, like, messed with the aesthetic, dude," Tyler says, sounding more confused than angry. 

 

"I– I just needed a change," Josh says, running his fingers through his newly dyed purple hair. 

 

"Oh," Tyler says. "Well, uh. It looks good."

 

"Thanks."

 

Tyler gives him an odd look before checking his phone and saying, "We have an interview in ten minutes, dude."

 

"Okay," Josh says. "Do we have an acoustic session too, or–?"

 

Tyler shakes his head. "No. Some radio station just wants a quick interview or something."

 

Josh nods, clapping his hands together a couple of times in an attempt to ease his nerves. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

_"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting, and a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

 

 

"Cool hair, bro!" the radio host says once Josh and Tyler are seated in the booth, headphones on. "Since you guys can't see it, Josh– the drummer, right? has some badass purple hair."

 

Josh smiles in return, momentarily forgetting that he's on the radio. "Oh, uh. Thanks," he says belatedly. 

 

The host just laughs, waving a hand in Josh's direction before launching into the interview. The questions are all directed towards Tyler, and Josh lets himself drift off. His attention is only brought back when he hears the radio host say, "…was telling my boyfriend about this coffee shop I found the other day."

 

Tyler laughs, since apparently the host was telling a joke, but all Josh can hear is the blood rushing through his ears. The radio host is– is gay? What does _he_ see when he looks at Josh? Instantly, Josh feels… naked. Vulnerable. 

 

He realizes that both Tyler and the host are looking at him, and he clears his throat nervously. "Sorry?" he asks. 

 

The radio host laughs. He does that a lot. "Tyler mentioned that you guys eat a lot of Taco Bell. What's your favorite thing to get there?"

 

Josh rapidly opens and closes his mouth. "Uh– I, uh… I don't know," he splutters. 

 

Tyler gives him a weird look. "We both like the Cheesy Gordita Crunch," he says. 

 

"Cheesy little fat crunch," the host translates. "Yum yum." He laughs again, but he's looking at Josh with an odd expression on his face.

 

Josh looks away, staring at his hands. The hollowness in his chest expands, making it harder for him to breathe. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

 

 

"Since when did you become such a homophobe?" Tyler asks once they're back on the bus. 

 

"I'm not a homophobe," Josh says, but it falls to deaf ears. 

 

"You wouldn't even _look_ at that guy," Tyler says. 

 

"I'm not a homophobe," Josh says again, because he's not. He's not. 

 

Tyler raises an eyebrow. There's some anger in his eyes. "Dude."

 

"I– I'm not. I'm sorry," Josh says. What's _wrong_ with him? He's not homophobic. He's _not._ "I just– I didn't sleep well last night. It didn't have anything to do with him being gay," he says, and he nearly believes it. 

 

Tyler doesn't exactly look convinced, but he seems to let it go. "I think we're stopping at a pizza place or something soon, if you're hungry," he says, and he walks off to his bunk. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

 

 

"Dude, maybe you should, like, slow down," Mark says, wide-eyed. 

 

Everyone is staring at Josh in varying degrees of amazement. Josh shrugs, throwing the crust of his seventh slice of pizza onto his plate. 

 

"You ate nearly an entire pie," Tyler marvels. 

 

"I was hungry."

 

"Clearly," Mark says. 

 

Josh takes a long drink of water. He wasn't really _that_ hungry, but he was trying to fill that hollowness in his chest. 

 

It didn't work. 

 

"Do you want an antacid tablet or something?" Tyler asks. 

 

Josh shakes his head. "I'll be okay," he says. He'll probably throw it up later. Lately, it's been difficult keeping anything down.

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

 

 

It's not until Josh is in his bunk, stomach shifting uncomfortably due to overeating, does Josh have his first dream (nightmare) since that night (when nothing happened). 

 

He wakes up, gasping and shaking and vomiting up the pizza from the night before all over himself. Tyler is by his side in an instant, pulling the curtain and turning Josh over so he doesn't choke. 

 

"You're okay, you're okay," Tyler's murmuring, combing his fingers through Josh's hair, trying to soothe him. Tyler's getting Josh's vomit on his other hand, but he clearly doesn't care. 

 

Josh is gasping, trying to squirm free of his bedding (why does he have so many blankets?). He pushes weakly at Tyler's chest. Tyler, taking the hint, steps back and helps Josh out of his bunk. Josh nearly collapses when he tries to stand, but he manages to catch himself with the side of the bunk. As soon as he can manage, he staggers off in the direction of the bathroom, Tyler follows him, making concerned noises. Josh steps into the bathroom and slams the door behind him. 

 

"Josh? Do you need any help?" Tyler asks through the door. 

 

"No," Josh croaks, carefully sitting down on the tiny bathroom floor and putting his head between his knees. 

 

Oh, god, he was _raped._

 


	2. rage

_He crawls into his bed, curling up and burying his head under the blankets._

 

_He feels empty._

 

 

 

Josh nearly has a heart attack when he hears the bathroom door open and close while he's in the shower. 

 

"Dude, so I was out with Mark, and…" Whatever Tyler's saying reaches Josh's ears as wordless babble. Josh is just trying to focus on keeping his breathing even. He hears the sound of a belt being unbuckled and a zipper being pulled down. Tyler's still talking as Josh hears him peeing. 

 

This isn't an unusual situation for them. After years of touring together, they both got over any modesty or inhibitions. 

 

Except Josh is starting to feel very, very uncomfortable. 

 

He can hear the toilet flush and the sound of Tyler washing his hands, but it doesn't sound like Tyler's in any rush to leave. Josh shifts, pushing himself against the shower wall. 

 

"Tyler," he blurts. 

 

Tyler stops talking. "Yeah?" he asks, sounding surprised. 

 

"Could you, uh," Josh clears his throat, "leave me alone, maybe?"

 

There's a pause. _"Oh,"_ Tyler says, sounding both embarrassed and amused. "Oh, shoot. I'll let you get back to it." He chuckles a little, and Josh hears the door open and close. 

 

Josh flushes, feeling irrationally angry at Tyler for _assuming_ that he was… masturbating. Why didn't Tyler think that maybe Josh wanted to shower without having to listen to Tyler babbling about things no one could possible care about?

 

Josh rests his head against the cool tile and closes his eyes.

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

 

 

Josh is alone on the bus. 

 

Everyone else had headed for a bar. Josh had tried to get Tyler to stay with him, saying that he wanted someone to play Mario Cart with. He very carefully did not say that he wanted Tyler to stay with him so he can be sure that nothing happens. 

 

Whatever. Tyler'll have fun, probably. He always hides his wedding ring and lets guys hit on him so he can get free drinks. 

 

Josh's chest is suddenly full of anger. Why, when Josh tried to do what Tyler does, was Josh hurt? When Tyler does it, he's always fine. He gets free drinks, gets complimented, and that's it. Why didn't this happen to Tyler instead?

 

Josh slams his head into his pillow, cursing himself. Josh is stronger, stronger than Tyler, and it's better that it happened to him instead of Tyler. It's better. It's better this way. 

 

He lets out a long groan, noise muffled by the pillow. What's wrong with him? Tyler's his best friend. He loves Tyler. Tyler–

 

Tyler's the gay one. It should've been _Tyler,_ not Josh. 

 

Instantly, Josh hates himself. What– what happened to Josh doesn't have anything to do with sexuality, does it? And Tyler's not… he's married to a woman. He's not gay. 

 

Josh grips his hair and pulls, grimacing with the pain. What's happening to him? Why is… why is he angry with Tyler?

 

_He didn't come with you, even though you asked. If he'd been there, nothing would've happened to you._

 

"Shut up," Josh mumbles to himself, fingers still tugging at his hair. 

 

Shut up. If Josh is going to blame Tyler, he should blame the bartender, too. The bartender should've _seen_ the guy slip GHB or whatever into his drink. Or one of the club patrons, who should've seen the guy dragging him to the bathrooms against his will. Or that club-goer who came _into_ the bathroom, who didn't do _anything_ even though Josh asked, _begged_ him to.

 

"Shut _up,"_ Josh says again, getting up and climbing into his bunk. He's too awake right now. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not."_

 

 

 

The interviewer is an asshole. 

 

They both figure it out pretty quickly, right when he makes a series of racist comments and laughs as though they were funny. It's supposed to be a short interview, though, and Josh is just trying to grin and bear it. 

 

"A guy walks into a bar and goes up to a woman," the interviewer says, apropos of nothing, "and he says, 'You're gonna get laid tonight.' She says, 'What, are you psychic?' and he says, 'No, just stronger than you.'" He laughs, the noise loud and obnoxious.

 

Tyler looks deeply uncomfortable. "…ah," he says carefully. 

 

It takes Josh a moment to figure out what the interviewer was saying. "That's–" he starts to say, but he cuts himself off, trying to breathe through the sudden tightness in his chest. "That's not–" Covering his mouth, Josh stands up and leaves the room. 

 

"Fucking _stupid,"_ he mutters. He's not fucking _weak._ The man wasn't _stronger_ than him. He drugged him. Josh was drugged, and he couldn't fight back. 

 

"Fuck," Josh says, wishing that there was something that he could hit. _"Fuck,"_ he says again, wondering what he'll say to Tyler. How he'll explain standing up and just leaving an interview. 

 

The hollowness inside Josh is filling with something akin to vexation, and he doesn't like it one bit.

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

 

 

Josh is standing in a church. 

 

They have a day off from tour, and Josh had muttered something about taking a walk. There was a church they passed when they drove into a town, and Josh had walked back to it. It's been a long time since he's been in a church. 

 

The church is empty, and Josh can smell wood and holy water. He sits down in one of the pews in the back, clasps his hands together, and bows his forehead.

 

His mind is blank. 

 

"Dear God," he begins, but he stops. It sounds too much like an exclamation, like he's taking His name in vain, not like he's praying. "Dear Lord," he tries, but it still sounds off. "Father. Heavenly Father," he says, and that works. "Heavenly Father, I…"

 

Josh unclasps his hands and tugs on his hair. Why can't he think of anything to say?

 

"Heavenly Father, I'd like to ask for guidance," he says. "I– I was… I recently experienced… I– uh." Josh rubs his hands over his face. "I'm going through a difficult time in my life right now," he settles on. "I… I need help."

 

A darker thought runs through Josh's mind. 

 

"I _needed_ help," he says. "And– and you weren't there." Josh takes a breath, trying to calm himself down, but it's too late. The thoughts, the _rage_ , all of it's entered his mind, and he can't get anything out. 

 

"God, I _needed_ You," he says, voice louder this time. "I– I _needed_ You, and You did _nothing._ I…" He swallows. "I needed to be– to be saved, God. I thought You were supposed to be my savior. It feels like he– he's taken my soul, God, and I want it back. I want everything back." Josh presses his palms to his eyes, fighting back tears. He's not going to _cry._ "If– God, if You really do have a plan, if this is a part of that plan, I… I want to know _how_ the _hell_ this affects it. I want to know why You– why You allowed– _made_ this happen." He grips the top edge of the pew in front of him, knuckles turning white. "I prayed to You to make it stop, and You did _nothing!"_

 

Josh stands up, hands grabbing at the back of his neck, and steps out into the aisle, beginning to pace back and forth. He just wants to _destroy_ something. There is pure, unbridled _fury_ coursing through his veins, and he needs to _do_ something with it. 

 

He aims a punch to his thigh, letting out a grunt as it connects. He didn't realize he could hit that hard. Why didn't he use that strength when he was being _raped?_ He balls his fists and lets another punch fly, this time letting it hit his genitals. It's not like he'll ever use them again. 

 

Josh punches again, letting out a wheeze of pain. He laughs a little, clenching his fists tightly around his hair and _pulls,_ roots protesting as he yanks at them. 

 

"Was _this_ Your plan, God?" he hears himself yell. "Was it _this?"_

 

Josh _screams,_ tears coursing down his cheeks as he falls to his knees and grips his hair tightly with his fingers. His leg hurts, his crotch hurts, but that doesn't matter. Nothing matters. He's punched and he's pulled and now there is nothing left. The anger is gone, and now there is nothing left. He's empty. 

 

He feels broken.


	3. negotiation

_Why is everything he owns so_ … _tight? He tears through his suitcase, frantically searching for something loose, something soft. He grabs a pair of sweatpants, and he pulls a baggy t-shirt over his head._

 

_He crawls into his bed, curling up and burying his head under the blankets._

 

_He feels empty._

 

 

 

"Heads up," Tyler says as he climbs back into the bus, and Josh automatically catches the bottle of soda Tyler threw his way.

 

It's a bottle of coke.

 

"No, thanks," Josh finds himself saying, tossing the bottle back. 

 

Tyler looks at him, furrowing his eyebrows. "Dude, a minute ago you were just complaining about how you need something to drink."

 

Josh shakes his head. "I–" he begins, but he doesn't know what to say. "I found a water bottle," he settles on. 

 

Tyler makes a show of looking around. "Where?" he asks slowly. 

 

"Dude, why does this matter so much?"

 

"Well," Tyler says, "I spent my hard-earned money buying you this delicious soda."

 

"You drink it, then," Josh mumbles. 

 

"Also," Tyler continues, ignoring Josh, "we have a show tonight, and you need to stay safe and hydrated."

 

Josh runs his fingers through his hair, wondering what to do. He doesn't want Tyler to worry about him. But he _can't_ drink coke. He'll just throw it back up. 

 

_And what if someone tries to hurt him again?_

 

"Stupid," Josh mutters to himself, grabbing the coke from Tyler and opening it. He begins to pour the liquid down his throat, gagging as it slides down his esophagus. 

 

"Whoa, whoa," Josh hears Tyler say, and suddenly the bottle is being taken away from him. 

 

"What?" Josh asks, catching his breath. 

 

Tyler looks a little disturbed. "I– I don't want you to drown, dude."

 

"I wasn't gonna drown," Josh says, trying to grab the bottle back. He just wants to get this over with. 

 

Tyler moves the bottle out of his reach. "I'm gonna go buy you a water, okay?" he says. "And you're gonna drink it at, like, a normal person speed."

 

Josh barely makes it until Tyler has stepped back outside the bus before bolting to the bathroom and heaving up the coke. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

 

 

Josh can't even remember what his original hair color was. 

 

It takes the help of multiple old Instagram selfies before Josh can finally find one that looks close enough. He nearly puts it back, nearly walks out of the store without buying anything, but he has to do this. He has to.

 

He stares at his faded purple hair in the mirror, taking a couple of deep breaths before opening up the package of dye. Colored hair has been a part of his identity for years now.

 

But he can't risk being hurt again. He thinks that might destroy him. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

 

 

Josh doesn't have nearly enough sweatpants. 

 

His skinny jeans and leggings have taken up permanent residency in a duffle bag that's stuffed in the corner of an unused bunk. He only brought a couple pairs of basketball shorts with him, and he's been re-wearing them so often that it's nearing unhygienic. He's been wearing hoodies onstage, which probably isn't great for his health, but the fabric doesn't stick uncomfortably to his skin the way t-shirts do. 

 

"Dude, it's like 99°. Maybe you should think about wearing something lighter than that," Tyler says once he's done his vocal warm-ups. He's pointing to Josh's hoodie. 

 

Josh shrugs, sticking his hands in his pocket. "I'll be okay," he says. 

 

Tyler looks at him dubiously. "Well, drink lots of water, okay?" he says. 

 

"I will," Josh tells him. 

 

They're on the last song before the finale when Josh starts to feel a little nauseous. He grits his teeth, focusing on finishing the song. He manages to hit the last note in the song before passing out. 

 

He's only out for a moment or two, apparently, because Tyler hadn't even noticed that he fell off his seat. He staggers to his feet and sits back down, grabbing his bottle of water and chugging about half. He dumps the rest down his hoodie, sighing with relief when the liquid hits his overheated skin. 

 

"You okay?" one of the techs asks Josh as he helps him set up for Trees. 

 

"Yeah," Josh pants as he grabs another water bottle and dumps it on his head. 

 

He nearly passes out again during Trees, and he barely makes it back to his dressing room conscious. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

 

 

"I was thinking about getting my tattoo removed," Josh says, and Tyler chokes on his water. 

 

 _"What?"_ Tyler coughs, pounding his chest. 

 

Josh shrugs. "It's kinda flashy, you know. Attention grabbing."

 

Tyler stares at him. "What is _happening_ to you?"

 

Josh shifts uncomfortably. "I don't know what you mean."

 

"You dyed your hair back to brown, stopped wearing skinny jeans and makeup, and now you want to remove your tattoo," Tyler says. "Dude, are you like… dating someone? And you want to impress her father or something?"

 

Josh barks out a laugh. "No," he says. "God, no."

 

Tyler looks at him carefully. "Are you having, like, a premature midlife crisis?" He pauses, looking stricken. "Are you– are you leaving the band?"

 

"No!" Josh says quickly. "No, I'm not leaving."

 

Tyler lets out a breath. "Good," he says. "You're not allowed to leave the band unless I kick you out."

 

Josh's laugh almost sounds real. 

 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

 

 

"It's like he's a completely different person," Josh can hear Tyler saying. "I mean, he nearly got his _tattoo_ removed."

 

Josh hears Jenna saying something, but he can't make out the words. She's visiting them for a week, probably because they're in Europe now. 

 

"Yeah, I guess," Tyler says. There's a pause, and then Tyler's saying, "Hey, I'm gonna grab some chips. Do you want anything?"

 

Jenna must reply, because Josh hears Tyler say, "Okay." and the sound of them kissing. Josh hears Tyler leave the bus, and then he can hear Jenna walking towards the back room where Josh is sitting. 

 

"Hi," Josh says, looking up from where he's curled up on the sofa. 

 

Jenna takes one look at him and immediately wraps him into a hug. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks, and Josh almost starts to cry. 

 

Josh shakes his head, not bothering to ask how she knows. Women… women _know_ things. That's why he's avoided talking to his mom, his sisters. They always know what he's thinking. And Josh can't have that. They can't know.

 

But Jenna knows. And Josh can feel everything he carefully put together, everything he carefully hides away, falling apart.

 


	4. despondency

_It's not until he's back, locked in the hotel bathroom does he feel a surge of cold panic course through his body. He showers with the water as hot as he can bear, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't warm the freezing hollowness in his chest._

 

 _Why is everything he owns so_ … _tight? He tears through his suitcase, frantically searching for something loose, something soft. He grabs a pair of sweatpants, and he pulls a baggy t-shirt over his head._

 

_He crawls into his bed, curling up and burying his head under the blankets._

 

_He feels empty._

 

 

 

"Josh."

 

Josh groans sleepily, rolling away from the voice. 

 

"Josh. Josh. _Josh."_

 

"What?" he mumbles, rubbing his eyes. Tyler has the curtain to Josh's bunk pulled back, and he's looking at Josh with worry. "Dude, what time is it?"

 

"A quarter 'til four."

 

"It's the middle of the night, man. Do you need something?"

 

"Josh," Tyler says, and he looks weirdly concerned. "Josh, it's three in the _afternoon."_

 

"What?" Josh asks, grabbing for his phone. Sure enough, it's 3:47 PM. 

 

"You've slept for like, eighteen hours," Tyler tells him. He reaches out and rests his hand on Josh's forehead. "You been feeling all right?"

 

"What? Yeah," Josh says, furrowing his eyebrows. 

 

"You've been sleeping a lot more lately," Tyler says. 

 

"I've been tired."

 

"A _lot_ more lately," Tyler clarifies. "I mean…" He trails off and just stares at Josh. 

 

"I don't know what to tell you," Josh says, and he doesn't. He's just been tired all the time.

 

"Just…" Tyler frowns. "You can talk to me whenever you want. About whatever you want. You know that, right?"

 

"Yeah," Josh says, and his heart is starting to race. Does Tyler know? He doesn't, right? Wouldn't he have brought this up earlier if he did?

 

"Okay," Tyler says, and he closes the curtain. 

 

Josh falls back asleep. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

 

 

`how r u doing?`

 

Josh taps the notification. `ok,` he replies. 

 

`wanna talk? `

 

`jenna i'm ok`

 

`right, `Jenna replies.

 

`jenna `

 

`u havent told anyone have u? `Jenna asks.` i think u need a confidant. its not healthy to keep evrythng bottled up`

 

`i'm ok`

 

`josh`

 

`i'll be ok, he amends. `

 

`u can txt me whenvr u want `

 

`ok`

 

`u know that right?`

 

`yeah`

 

`good`

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

 

 

 

It's their last show of the tour. They're playing Trees, standing on the cross, when Josh slips. He tries to regain his balance, but he's too thrown off, and he tumbles straight into the crowd. They catch him, of course, but there are hands literally everywhere and it's too much and Josh can't fucking move.

 

He's pretty sure that the security guard grabs him pretty quickly, but a couple moments were probably lost because Josh wasn't moving to get back up like he'd be expected to. A logical expectation. A perfectly logical expectation. But Josh is too busy trying not to hyperventilate. 

 

"You okay, man?" the security guard asks. 

 

Belatedly, Josh realizes that he's no longer in the crowd, and his arms are still wrapped around the guard. "Yeah," he mumbles. 

 

The security guard sets him down, and Josh tries to move back to the crowd to finish the song, but his legs give out from under him. 

 

The guard manages to catch him before he hits the ground, but Josh doesn't even register that. His vision is starting to fade, he can't stop shaking, and he can't fucking breathe. Things are starting to blur around him. The lights, the noise, they're starting to fade into the background. 

 

"Let me through!" Josh hears, and suddenly he can see Tyler's face in front of his. "Josh? Can you hear me?"

 

Josh opens his mouth, but his chest heaves and he hears a series of horrible gasping noises. Belatedly, he realizes that _he's_ making those sounds. 

 

"Into the bag, buddy. Just breathe," a voice Josh doesn't recognize is saying. "Just focus on breathing, okay?" Someone places a hand on his thigh, probably to reassure him, but Josh jerks back so violently that he topples right over the person who was keeping his head in place. He's running solely on primal instincts, and he's trying to stand up, trying to run from whoever wants to hurt him, but his legs aren't working, and he slams down hard against the ground.

 

Someone's hand is on his shoulder, rolling him over and pulling him up into a sitting position. "Don't touch me," he mumbles, but the person keeps touching him, pushing his head down between his legs. He struggles, but he gives in quickly, too weak to fight for long. His chest is heaving again, and there's a paper bag in front of his face. Someone is positioning his head, holding it so his mouth remains connected to the bag. 

 

Josh's fingers are tingling. 

 

"Josh," someone says, and Josh recognizes them as Tyler. "Josh, you need to concentrate on your breathing. Can you do that for me?"

 

Josh closes his eyes and tries to steady his breathing. He can feel Tyler holding his hand. 

 

When his breath evens out, he becomes conscious of the people kneeling around him. A man in a security guard jacket is holding a paper bag to his mouth, and when Josh lifts his head, he can see that another guard was standing behind him, holding Josh's head in place. A couple of other guards is standing between them and the audience, probably trying to give them some semblance of privacy. 

 

Everyone is staring at him.

 

Josh flushes. "Sorry," he says, and his voice cracks. It hasn't done that since eighth grade. 

 

"It's okay," Tyler says earnestly. He squeezes Josh's hand. "Do you wanna move to the dressing room?"

 

"…yeah," Josh says, chancing a look up at the barricade. Every fan he can see is staring straight at him, and he shrinks back. "Yeah, uh. Help me up?"

 

Tyler pulls him up onto his feet, and everyone sort of tenses, like they're waiting for Josh to fall over. Josh remains firmly on both feet, and still clutching Tyler's hand, makes it back to the dressing room.

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

 

 

Josh is crossing the sidewalk to the airport when he hears someone howl, "Josh!", and suddenly Josh is being tackled to the ground as a car honks loudly. 

 

"Josh!" the same someone says again, and Josh, still trying to gain back his air after having it knocked out of him, rolls over to see Tyler. 

 

Tyler looks visibly shaken. His eyes are red-rimmed, like he's trying not to cry. He slides off of Josh and stands up, holding a hand out to Josh. 

 

"Did you–" Tyler swallows hard as he pulls Josh to his feet. "Did you even look, J?"

 

"Yeah," Josh says, but the words sound hollow, and he can tell that Tyler knows he's lying. 

 

"Josh," Tyler says, placing his hands on Josh's shoulders and looking him in the eye, "something is wrong with you."

 

Josh couldn't agree more. 

 

"I haven't been pressing you about it, because I thought you needed space before talking to me," Tyler tells him, "but you don't talk to me anymore." He squeezes Josh's shoulders. "What's wrong?"

 

"Nothing," Josh says automatically, and Tyler lets out a groan. 

 

"Josh," he begins, but Josh cuts him off. 

 

"I– I'll tell you. Later," Josh says. "I promise," he says when Tyler gives him a skeptical look. "The… the 5th, okay?" He instantly feels stupid for _setting_ a _date,_ but Tyler just nods seriously. 

 

"Promise?" Tyler asks. 

 

"Promise."

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

 

 

"I told him I'd tell him what happened on the 5th," Josh says as he paces back and forth. "I– I can't tell him. I've never told anyone. I've never even told _you."_

 

"Josh," Jenna says, and Josh finally stops pacing so he can look at her. "Come here," she says, and obediently, Josh goes to sit beside Jenna. "Josh," she says again, "Tyler loves you. You're his best friend. Nothing will change that. What are you so afraid of?"

 

"He's going to hate me," Josh says miserably. At Jenna's noise of disagreement, he amends, "He's going to be disgusted by me. I… someone…" He groans, covering his face with his hands. "Someone dirty touched me, and now I am too."

 

"Josh," Jenna murmurs, and she pulls him closer so he's lying against her. "Josh, none of it was your fault. Tyler will understand that. And you're not dirty."

 

"It was my fault," Josh mumbles, and he thinks Jenna didn't hear him until she says,

 

"How was it your fault?"

 

"I– I _let_ him buy me a drink, I– he asked me to dance with him, and I _did,_ and it was the kind of dancing where I could feel– I could feel him through my pants, and I didn't say anything, I didn't walk away, I danced with him, and I only said no once when he kissed me, and I didn't fight enough when he was… and I'm not _weak,_ the drug shouldn't have slowed me _that_ much, it's not like he was _that_ much bigger than me, and I didn't fight enough, I– I didn't…" A sob escapes Josh's throat, and he blinks in surprise. He didn't know he was crying. 

 

"Shh," Jenna is murmuring, and Josh hates himself a little bit more. He's fucking _crying_ in front of his best friend's _wife._ Men don't fucking cry. "Josh, Josh, listen to me," she says, and once it's clear that Josh is paying attention to her, she continues. "Josh, the fact alone that he drugged you makes it clear that it wasn't your fault. Even if you were saying _yes,_ Josh, it still wouldn't have been your fault because he _drugged_ you against your will. And Josh," she says, "if _I_ was dancing with some man that I met that night, if he buys me a drink or two, and then later, when he's trying to take my shirt off while I'm saying no, would it be my fault?"

 

Josh frowns. "No. You said no."

 

"And isn't that the same thing that happened to you?"

 

Josh is silent for a moment. "But… but you're a _woman._ I– I should've been able to– to defend myself."

 

"Well, now you're just being sexist," Jenna tells him.

 

Josh rethinks his last few words and concludes that she's right. "You're right," he says. 

 

"I usually am," she replies, and Josh can't help but smile at that.   


	5. sufferance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this last chapter ended up longer than the first four chapters combined?

_It’s not real. He’s not real. Nothing’s real. It_ can’t _be._

 

_It's not until he's back, locked in the hotel bathroom does he feel a surge of cold panic course through his body. He showers with the water as hot as he can bear, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't warm the freezing hollowness in his chest._

 

 _Why is everything he owns so_ … _tight? He tears through his suitcase, frantically searching for something loose, something soft. He grabs a pair of sweatpants, and he pulls a baggy t-shirt over his head._

 

_He crawls into his bed, curling up and burying his head under the blankets._

 

_He feels empty._

 

 

 

"Josh," Jenna says carefully, "when he– when you were being hurt, he didn't use… protection, did he?"

 

Josh furrows his eyebrows. "No?"

 

"I was… I was thinking," Jenna says quietly. "Um. There's a Planned Parenthood clinic not too far from here."

 

"I'm not… I'm not pregnant," Josh says, bewildered. 

 

Jenna blushes. "No, no, I know," she says quickly. "It's just that… from what you've told me, it seemed like he was… smooth. He's probably hurt other people before. I was thinking maybe… maybe you should get tested. For STDs."

 

Josh blanches. He hadn't even _considered_ that. 

 

"I read about the procedure," Jenna says quickly, before Josh can say anything. "It's kind of invasive, but the results are really reliable, and it said that you should get tested at least once in your lifetime anyways, so you'll be getting that out of the way."

 

"I…" Josh says, but he can't think of anything else to say. 

 

"I think it's really something you should do," Jenna says quietly, and hesitantly, Josh agrees.

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

 

 

The doctor at the clinic is a middle–aged woman called Dr. Eldridge who exudes a calm, professional aura that eases Josh's nerves slightly.

 

"Is this your partner?" she asks Josh, looking at the way he's clutching Jenna's hand. 

 

Josh shakes his head. "No. My friend."

 

"This exam will get very personal," the doctor tells him. "Are you sure you want her here?"

 

Josh nods. Neither of them cared when Josh stripped down to solely a t-shirt when he was asked to put on a gown earlier. They're past that. 

 

Dr. Eldridge nods, sitting down on a chair across from where Josh is seated on an exam table. 

 

"Do you or your partner usually use a condom or another barrier method?" the doctor asks briskly. 

 

"Uh. Usually," Josh mumbles. 

 

"Have you had symptoms of any STIs, in the past or recently?" she says. 

 

"No."

 

"Have you ever had an STI before?" 

 

"No."

 

"Have any of your partner or partners have any STIs, or have they experienced any symptoms?"

 

Josh breathes out through his nose. "I don't know."

 

There's a slight pause before Dr. Eldridge continues. "Do you have any drug allergies?"

 

"No."

 

"Okay," she says. "Josh, I need you to give me a brief summary of your sexual history and practices. I understand that this topic is very personal, but it's vital to this examination."

 

Josh knew that she would ask this, but he finds himself only staring at her with wide eyes. 

 

"I'm not here to judge," Dr. Eldridge says gently. "This is completely confidential. I would not be asking if this wasn't very important."

 

Josh nods slowly, pressing his lips together. "Okay," he says quietly. 

 

"Okay," the doctor echoes. "Are you sexually active?"

 

Josh shakes his head. 

 

"Have you been?"

 

He nods. 

 

"In the past six months, how many partners have you had?"

 

Josh looks down, running a hand through his hair. "One."

 

"In the past twelve months, how many partners have you had?"

 

"Uh, two, I guess," Josh mumbles. 

 

"Are your partners male, female, or both?"

 

"Both."

 

"Have you had a male partner within the last twelve months?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Have you had a female partner within the last twelve months?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Okay," Dr. Eldridge says, jotting something down before looking up at Josh. "I'm going to be kind of explicit here, but it's important that you answer these questions honestly."

 

Josh nods, mentally steadying himself. 

 

"In the past twelve months, what sexual contact have you experienced?" the doctor says. "Vaginal, anal, and/or oral?"

 

Josh closes his eyes. "All of those," he says quietly.  

 

"And did you use protection for any of those experiences?"

 

"All but, uh," Josh coughs, and Jenna squeezes his hand. "All but one."

 

"Which form of sexual contact was that?"

 

"The– the second one."

 

"Anal?" the doctor asks, and he nods. "And what was the reason?"

 

Josh has to take a moment to breathe, and Jenna squeezes his hand again. Josh squeezes back gratefully. "He… he didn't want to, I guess." He ducks his gaze, not wanting to see whatever's in Dr. Eldridge's eyes. 

 

"When you did use protection, what form did you use?" the doctor asks, and her voice sounds softer. Gentler. Like she understands. 

 

Josh feels sick. 

 

"Condoms," he mutters. 

 

"Thank you, Josh. I know this must be difficult for you," the doctor says. "Do you have any additional questions?" Josh shakes his head. "Okay. I'm going to begin the exam in a moment, okay? I'll be right back."

 

"Okay," Josh says as she stands and leaves. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

 

 

Once the door closes, Jenna stands up and hugs him. 

 

"I'm so proud of you," she tells him. Josh doesn't reply; he just rests his head on her shoulder. "Do you still want me here for the next part?"

 

Josh nods fervently. "Please."

 

"Of course," Jenna says, releasing him from the hug as Dr. Eldridge walks back in. 

 

"We're going to begin with a genital exam, okay?" she says as she slides a pair of latex gloves on. 

 

Josh grits his teeth, nodding. 

 

"Please lie back and bring your knees up," Dr. Eldridge says, and Josh complies, gripping Jenna's hand tightly. He closes his eyes, and Jenna places her other hand on his wrist. 

 

He jerks back when he feels a hand on his penis, letting out a strangled sound that he didn't know he could make. He covers his face with his free hand, mortified. Jenna is holding his other hand in an iron grip. 

 

"Do you need a moment?" Dr. Eldridge asks gently, her hands no longer touching Josh.

 

Josh shakes his head, sucking in a breath of air. "No. Do it," he says, closing his eyes as he tries to relax. 

 

There are hands on him again, but he manages to stay still. As still as possible, at least. His body is trembling ever so slightly. 

 

"You're doing very well," the doctor says soothingly as Josh's shaking starts to become more noticeable. "You're doing really well, Josh," she says, sounding as though she's trying to calm a skittish animal. 

 

Josh _is_ a skittish animal, though, or he may as well be. Jenna's hand in his is the only thing keeping him grounded. If it weren't for her, he thinks that he'd devolve into something primal, kicking and shrieking and feeling wholly terrified. 

 

There's no kicking and shrieking right now, but he's getting pretty close to wholly terrified.

 

"Hey," Jenna says, and Josh looks over at her. "Did Tyler ever tell you about the time he tried to take me to Chipotle on our anniversary?"

 

Josh does his best to distract himself with Jenna's story, but it still feels like eons before Dr. Eldridge pulls back, taking off her gloves and dropping them into a trash bin. 

 

"It's over now, Josh. You did really well," the doctor says. "You can dress now."

 

Josh quickly grabs his underwear and pants and dresses as fast as he can. He pulls his gown off and slips his jacket back on.

 

Dr. Eldridge draws some blood and gives Josh a cup for a urine sample, but both procedures are far less invasive, and Josh does his best to pretend that he's getting his blood checked for cholesterol, not HIV. 

 

"We'll send you the results as soon as we can," Dr. Eldridge says. "And, Josh," she pulls out a couple of business cards from her pocket. "This is the number for an organization that that provides different services, including counseling," she says quietly, handing Josh a card. "And here's the card for an organization that has multiple hotlines and other services."

 

The first card reads Sexual Abuse Response Network of Central Ohio, and the second reads Rape and Incest National Network. Flushing, Josh shoves the card into his pocket. "Thanks," he mutters.

 

"You're not alone, Josh," the doctor says. "And talking really does help."

 

"Okay," he mumbles.

 

It seems like Dr. Eldridge wants to say something more, but she just settles on, "Good luck, okay?"

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

 

 

His test results come back clean. 

 

Josh nearly cries in relief. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

_"Dude, let me go," Josh says, except it comes out as, "Du, lemme go."_

 

_Steven pushes Josh roughly into one of the bathroom stalls and follows him inside, locking the stall door behind him._

 

_"Stop," Josh tries. "S-Stev'n, luh-lemme go. I don't wan' this." He's shoved up against the wall, and he can feel Steven tugging at Josh's pants, pulling them down. "St-stop! I don't wan' this!" He tries to pull away, but his limbs won't seem to work, and it feels like his head is full of cotton. "Stop!" he takes another breath, ready to scream out for help, when Steven grabs his hair and slams his head against the wall, knocking the air out of Josh's lungs._

 

 

 

"Jenna, did you say you wanted to watch–" Josh is saying as he turns into the kitchen, but he stumbles and stops when he sees Ashley standing there, talking to Jenna. "Oh. Hello."

 

"Hi, Josh," Ashley says. Her voice sounds normal, but her body language suggests that she's carefully approaching a frightened animal. 

 

"Hello," Josh says again, shooting a glance over towards Jenna. 

 

Jenna shrugs. _I didn't say anything,_ she mouths.

 

"Mom and I were talking about you," Ashley says, and Josh looks down. He hasn't seen, or even spoken to anyone in his family since… he hasn't spoken to them in a while. The most he's done was email his mom and text his sister. 

 

"Josh," Ashley says quietly, and Josh looks up at her. "Josh, I…" She trails off, and then she's stepping forward and wrapping her arms around her brother. _"Josh,"_ she repeats, squeezing Josh as tightly as she can. "I missed you." Her voice sounds thick. "I… you could've come home."

 

"No," Josh murmurs. "I couldn't have."

 

"You _could've,"_ Ashley insists. She's still hugging him. "You could've. We've missed you so much, Josh."

 

"I couldn't have," Josh repeats. "It… it would've been too much."

 

Ashley sighs, pulling back so she can look at him. "Okay," she murmurs. "Just… come visit soon, okay? We miss you a lot."

 

"I will," Josh says, and he wonders how truthful he's being.

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

_"Dude, let me go," Josh says, except it comes out as, "Du, lemme go."_

 

_Steven pushes Josh roughly into one of the bathroom stalls and follows him inside, locking the stall door behind him._

 

_"Stop," Josh tries. "S-Stev'n, luh-lemme go. I don't wan' this." He's shoved up against the wall, and he can feel Steven tugging at Josh's pants, pulling them down. "St-stop! I don't wan' this!" He tries to pull away, but his limbs won't seem to work, and it feels like his head is full of cotton. "Stop!" he takes another breath, ready to scream out for help, when Steven grabs his hair and slams his head against the wall, knocking the air out of Josh's lungs._

 

 _Josh rests his forehead against the wall, feeling paralyzed as Steven manages to get Josh's pants and underwear down to his knees. He tries to gasp for air, but it feels as though he's drowning, and he barely registers the sound of Steven spitting. Tears spring to his eyes when he feels a finger_ – _god, there's a finger_ inside _of him._

 

_"Please," he hears himself whimper._

 

_Instead, there's just a feeling of another finger worming its way into him, and Josh grits his teeth, grimacing in pain. He feels like he's being lit on fire, but he can't bring himself to care. There's another finger, twisting and turning, but Josh barely reacts._

 

 

 

Friday night finds him walking back from the grocery store, clutching a beg of groceries, when he hears someone catcall the girl who's walking past him. 

 

"Damn, girl!" the guy shouts. "Don't be like that, honey. Let me give 'em a squeeze."

 

Josh finds himself turning to the guy. "Leave her alone," he says, and both the girl and the asshole stop in surprise. 

 

"What's that?" the guy says, raising an eyebrow.

 

"I…" Josh bites his lip nervously. He can feel the girl's gaze on the back of his head, so he swallows and says, "Leave her alone."

 

"Why do you care?"

 

"You're harassing her."

 

"I'm _complimenting_ her."

 

"Telling someone that you'd sleep with them like that isn't a compliment."

 

"Like you'd know, faggot," the guy snorts. He rolls his eyes, turning around and walking back the way he came.

 

"Thanks," the girl says. She pauses when she sees the way Josh is struggling to breathe normally. "Are– are you okay?"

 

"Yeah," Josh says. "I– I'm just not used to talking to people. That's all." He tries to smile at her, but it probably comes out more as a grimace. "Uh. Bye." He starts running back to Tyler and Jenna's apartment before she can reply, because it's getting harder for him to breathe, and he doesn't want to have a panic attack in the middle of the street. 

 

Josh barely makes it back before collapsing, tucking his head between his knees. He fumbles for his phone, about to call Jenna, but he remembers that she's out with Tyler for their anniversary. He doesn't want to bother her. 

 

Fuck. 

 

He goes to shove his phone back into his pocket when something pointed stabs his hand. He pulls the offending object out, and it reveals itself to be one of the cards Dr. Eldridge had given him. It's the one for the hotline, and Josh shakily dials the number. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

_"Dude, let me go," Josh says, except it comes out as, "Du, lemme go."_

 

_Steven pushes Josh roughly into one of the bathroom stalls and follows him inside, locking the stall door behind him._

 

_"Stop," Josh tries. "S-Stev'n, luh-lemme go. I don't wan' this." He's shoved up against the wall, and he can feel Steven tugging at Josh's pants, pulling them down. "St-stop! I don't wan' this!" He tries to pull away, but his limbs won't seem to work, and it feels like his head is full of cotton. "Stop!" he takes another breath, ready to scream out for help, when Steven grabs his hair and slams his head against the wall, knocking the air out of Josh's lungs._

 

 _Josh rests his forehead against the wall, feeling paralyzed as Steven manages to get Josh's pants and underwear down to his knees. He tries to gasp for air, but it feels as though he's drowning, and he barely registers the sound of Steven spitting. Tears spring to his eyes when he feels a finger_ – _god, there's a finger_ inside _of him._

 

_"Please," he hears himself whimper._

 

_Instead, there's just a feeling of another finger worming its way into him, and Josh grits his teeth, grimacing in pain. He feels like he's being lit on fire, but he can't bring himself to care. There's another finger, twisting and turning, but Josh barely reacts._

 

 _Then the fingers are leaving him, and he gasps in relief. But the relief dissipates as quickly as it came when he hears the sound of a belt unbuckling and a zipper being pulled down, and Josh's hips are being grabbed and pulled back and oh god_ –

 

_Josh gasps wetly, clenching his fists. He tries to struggle away, but it just allows Steven to slip deeper into him._

 

_He closes his eyes and tries to take himself far away from this. It isn't hard. Nothing about this feels real._

 

 

 

"Hi, I– uh, called the other day," Josh mumbles. "I– I was, uh, having– having a panic attack at the time. I– I talked to, um, Ana. Is– is she there?"

 

"Oh, Ana?" the women on the other line says. "Yes, hold on." Josh hears words that he can't make out, and then Ana is saying, "Hello?"

 

"Hi," Josh murmurs. 

 

"Josh, right?" 

 

"Yeah."

 

"How are you feeling?" she asks. 

 

"Better," he says. "I just… I kinda– I kinda left you hanging. The other night. I just…"

 

"You're letting me know that you're all right," Ana guesses.

 

"Yeah. You, uh, called me back a couple of times. I just thought…"

 

"Yeah. Thank you," Ana says. "I was worried about you. You didn't sound like you were doing so great when you hung up."

 

"Yeah, uh. No," Josh mumbles. 

 

"Do you want to talk?"

 

"I… I don't know," Josh confesses. 

 

"That's okay," Ana says gently. "I can talk for a bit now, if you'd like that." Josh doesn't respond, and she takes it as initiative to begin talking. "I'm going to start talking about the laws in Ohio, okay? Rape is generally a first-degree crime, but if you were drugged, there'll be a mandatory term. If there was force or–"

 

"No," Josh interrupts, and Ana quiets. "I– I can't press charges. It– it didn't even happen in Ohio. And it was months ago. There– there isn't any evidence left." Wow, where did the elephant come from? And why is it sitting on his chest? "I– I don't– I don't know the guy's name."

 

"Okay," Ana says softly. "That's okay. Just– Josh, breathe."

 

"Sorry," Josh gasps, squeezing his eyes shut. _He will not cry._  

 

"No, no, Josh, don't be sorry," she says gently. 

 

"I– I _let_ him buy me the drink," Josh whimpers. "I– I _danced_ with him. I didn't– I didn't fight hard enough; I have muscles, I have _abs,_ and he drugged me, but it shouldn't have– I _barely fought,_ he didn't know I didn't want it, I was dancing with him, he probably didn't– didn't hear me when I said– I said _no."_

 

"Josh, I–"

 

"I'm– I'm all dirty now, I tried to deny it at first, I showered all the time, I threw away the clothes I was wearing, I dyed my hair a different color because if I can't see it then it didn't happen, right? But I kept remembering, and I got mad, I got so _mad,_ I got mad at _everything,_ I got mad at _God,_ I got mad at my _best friend_ because it was me who got hurt, not him, I'm a fucking _awful person,_ oh god."

 

"I need–"

 

"And then I dyed my hair back to brown because people kept _looking_ at me, I stopped wearing all that fucking _tight_ clothing, I took out my piercings, I almost got my tattoo removed, my _tattoo,_ because he kept telling me that my hair was what made him notice me, that my ass looked so good in my jeans, and he kept _touching_ my tattoo. And then I just felt sad all the time. I just kept sleeping and I started to have panic attacks and I walked in front of cars without caring if they'd hit me, and I was just so fucking _drained,_ and now here I am, it’s been _months_ since it happened and I’m not getting over it, I can’t get over it, oh god, oh _god."_ Josh wheezes, scrubbing viciously at his eyes. He’s such a fucking child. This is why he can’t get over it. Because he can’t stop fucking _crying._

 

"Josh, I’m going to breathe deeply, and you're going to try to match my breaths, okay?" Ana says. Josh tries to follow along, but his mind gets sidetracked.

 

"No one will ever _touch_ me again," Josh whimpers into his arm. "I– I don’t know if I’ll ever _want_ anyone to touch me, but that– that’s different. No one will ever _want_ to touch me because someone dirty did and now I’m dirty, I’m filthy, I’m impure, I’m _unholy,_ and not even _God_ will want me anymore because no one’ll want me in heaven, no, not when I contaminate everything I touch."

 

"Follow my breathing, Josh," Ana says, and Josh finally starts to listen.

 

Ana guides Josh through his panic attack smoothly, speaking firmly but gently. Josh closes his eyes and shuts his mind off. It’s not hard; he’s had plenty of practice over the last couple of months.

 

"I used to get panic attacks too," Ana says quietly when his breathing is mostly normal again.

 

"How– how did you stop having them?"

 

"I got help," she says quietly. "I talked to people. Getting it all out, it makes it more tangible. Less foreign. Less scary."

 

"Oh."

 

Over the next couple of weeks, Josh calls the hotline five more times.

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

_"Dude, let me go," Josh says, except it comes out as, "Du, lemme go."_

 

_Steven pushes Josh roughly into one of the bathroom stalls and follows him inside, locking the stall door behind him._

 

_"Stop," Josh tries. "S-Stev'n, luh-lemme go. I don't wan' this." He's shoved up against the wall, and he can feel Steven tugging at Josh's pants, pulling them down. "St-stop! I don't wan' this!" He tries to pull away, but his limbs won't seem to work, and it feels like his head is full of cotton. "Stop!" he takes another breath, ready to scream out for help, when Steven grabs his hair and slams his head against the wall, knocking the air out of Josh's lungs._

 

 _Josh rests his forehead against the wall, feeling paralyzed as Steven manages to get Josh's pants and underwear down to his knees. He tries to gasp for air, but it feels as though he's drowning, and he barely registers the sound of Steven spitting. Tears spring to his eyes when he feels a finger_ – _god, there's a finger_ inside _of him._

 

_"Please," he hears himself whimper._

 

_Instead, there's just a feeling of another finger worming its way into him, and Josh grits his teeth, grimacing in pain. He feels like he's being lit on fire, but he can't bring himself to care. There's another finger, twisting and turning, but Josh barely reacts._

 

 _Then the fingers are leaving him, and he gasps in relief. But the relief dissipates as quickly as it came when he hears the sound of a belt unbuckling and a zipper being pulled down, and Josh's hips are being grabbed and pulled back and oh god_ –

 

_Josh gasps wetly, clenching his fists. He tries to struggle away, but it just allows Steven to slip deeper into him._

 

_He closes his eyes and tries to take himself far away from this. It isn't hard. Nothing about this feels real._

 

_There's the sound of the bathroom door opening, and Josh's eyes widen._

 

 _"Help me," he croaks out. "Please, help me, help me,_ please."

 

_There's only the sound of someone urinating and a flushing sound._

 

_"Help me!" Josh manages to cry. "Please!" He hears footsteps walking away. Panicking, Josh yelps, "Please! Please, help me, oh god."_

 

 _He hears the door opening. Was he not heard? He takes a deep breath, preparing himself to scream. "HELP M_ – _"_

 

_Steven shoves a couple of fingers down his throat, cutting him off. Josh gags as he hears the bathroom door shut. Something new breaks inside of him. He knows he was heard. Why didn't anyone help him?_

 

 

 

"I have something to tell you," Josh says, and he falls completely silent. 

 

"Yeah?" Tyler asks after a moment of quiet. 

 

"I have something to tell you," he repeats, but that's as much he can get out. 

 

"Josh?" Tyler tries. Jenna squeezes Josh’s hand.

 

"I have…" Josh says, but he trails off, rubbing his face with his free hand. "I– I don't know how to tell you this."

 

Tyler's eyes have moved down to where Josh's hand is clutching Jenna's. "Are… are you guys…?" he asks hesitantly, looking stricken. 

 

"No, no," Josh says quickly. "No. We– we're not." Jenna is shaking her head rapidly in agreement. "She– she's like my sister."

 

"Oh," Tyler says, relaxing minutely. "I didn't think so; it just looked like…" He shakes his head. "So, what were you going to tell me?"

 

"I…" Josh begins, and Jenna squeezes his hand in encouragement. "I'm gay," he blurts. 

 

Tyler blinks. "…oh," he says, sounding more confused than anything else. "That's… cool."

 

Jenna is shooting Josh looks that hover somewhere between disappointed and bewildered. 

 

"Okay," Josh says, trying to sound calmer than he is. "Okay," he repeats as he releases Jenna's hand and tries his best not to run as he leaves the room. 

 

"Was that all it was?" he hears Tyler ask. 

 

"Eh," is all Jenna says. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

_"Dude, let me go," Josh says, except it comes out as, "Du, lemme go."_

 

_Steven pushes Josh roughly into one of the bathroom stalls and follows him inside, locking the stall door behind him._

 

_"Stop," Josh tries. "S-Stev'n, luh-lemme go. I don't wan' this." He's shoved up against the wall, and he can feel Steven tugging at Josh's pants, pulling them down. "St-stop! I don't wan' this!" He tries to pull away, but his limbs won't seem to work, and it feels like his head is full of cotton. "Stop!" he takes another breath, ready to scream out for help, when Steven grabs his hair and slams his head against the wall, knocking the air out of Josh's lungs._

 

 _Josh rests his forehead against the wall, feeling paralyzed as Steven manages to get Josh's pants and underwear down to his knees. He tries to gasp for air, but it feels as though he's drowning, and he barely registers the sound of Steven spitting. Tears spring to his eyes when he feels a finger_ – _god, there's a finger_ inside _of him._

 

_"Please," he hears himself whimper._

 

_Instead, there's just a feeling of another finger worming its way into him, and Josh grits his teeth, grimacing in pain. He feels like he's being lit on fire, but he can't bring himself to care. There's another finger, twisting and turning, but Josh barely reacts._

 

 _Then the fingers are leaving him, and he gasps in relief. But the relief dissipates as quickly as it came when he hears the sound of a belt unbuckling and a zipper being pulled down, and Josh's hips are being grabbed and pulled back and oh god_ –

 

_Josh gasps wetly, clenching his fists. He tries to struggle away, but it just allows Steven to slip deeper into him._

 

_He closes his eyes and tries to take himself far away from this. It isn't hard. Nothing about this feels real._

 

_There's the sound of the bathroom door opening, and Josh's eyes widen._

 

 _"Help me," he croaks out. "Please, help me, help me,_ please."

 

_There's only the sound of someone urinating and a flushing sound._

 

_"Help me!" Josh manages to cry. "Please!" He hears footsteps walking away. Panicking, Josh yelps, "Please! Please, help me, oh god."_

 

 _He hears the door opening. Was he not heard? He takes a deep breath, preparing himself to scream. "HELP M_ – _"_

 

_Steven shoves a couple of fingers down his throat, cutting him off. Josh gags as he hears the bathroom door shut. Something new breaks inside of him. He knows he was heard. Why didn't anyone help him?_

 

 _The fingers leave Josh's mouth, and Josh rests his forehead on the gross, sticky wall. His legs are no longer supporting him. The pressure keeping him pushed up against the wall is enough to hold him up. Josh chokes on a sob as he feels the fingers tighten around his hips, and oh god, oh_ god _there's something wet_ inside _him, leaking down his thighs. His stomach heaves._

 

_Steven pulls back, and Josh slumps to the floor, no longer being supported. He hears a zipper and a belt buckle, and then Steven is gone._

 

_Just like that, he's gone._

 

 

 

"Josh."

 

Josh nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Tyler, not noticing that he'd walked into Josh's room. "Tyler," he says, trying to encourage his heart to beat a little less quickly. 

 

"You're my best friend," Tyler tells him, sitting down across from Josh. "You're my best friend, and your sexual orientation doesn't change that."

 

"I…" Josh begins, but before he can try to stop, he's crying full-body sobs, curling into himself and hiding his face. He can feel Tyler placing gentle hands on him, trying to soothe him. 

 

"I'm not gay," he gasps out. 

 

"Josh…"

 

"I'm not gay," he repeats, squirming away from Tyler's touch. "I– I'm not gay, I'm not, I'm _not,_ I _swear_ – _"_

 

"Josh," Tyler says quietly, "it's okay. I promise."

 

"–I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not, I'm–"

 

"I was kind of surprised, but it doesn't change anything between us, okay?"

 

"–not gay, I'm _not_ – _"_

 

"You're still my best friend."

 

"–gay, I just told you that because I couldn't think of anything else to say, I didn't want to tell you."

 

Tyler's quiet for a moment. "What?"

 

"I'm not gay," Josh hiccups, refusing to look Tyler in the eye. "I… over the tour, I went out, one night, by myself, to a club, and…" He buries his face in his knees. "I met someone. And he… he drugged me. And he– he made me go with him to– to the bathroom. And he– he did– he did _things_ – he did _things_ to me."

 

There's no response, and after a moment, Josh cautiously looks up. 

 

Tyler is practically vibrating with anger.

 

"What's his name?" he demands. "I– I'm gonna _kill_ him, I swear–"

 

"No!" Josh blurts. 

 

Tyler blinks. "What?"

 

"I don't– I don't want to drag you into this," Josh whispers. "I don't want you to have to become a part of this."

 

"Josh," Tyler says quietly, "you're my best friend. You're my _brother._ The moment someone hurt you was the moment I became a part of it. Even when I didn't know."

 

"Yeah, but," Josh sniffs, "don't hurt him. You can't hurt him."

 

Tyler looks perplexed. "Josh, I…" He trails off, furrowing his eyebrows. "Do– do you know him? Why are… why are you so opposed to me hurting him?"

 

Josh shakes his head. "No. I don't know him. I just–" his breath hitches. "I knew him for like, half an hour, but I trusted him. I got hurt by someone I trusted at first; don't– don't show me that someone else I trust can hurt people too."

 

Tyler's face crumples. "Josh," he whispers. He goes to hug Josh, but he pauses. "Is– is this okay?" he asks. 

 

Josh responds by pulling Tyler into a tight hug. 

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

_"Dude, let me go," Josh says, except it comes out as, "Du, lemme go."_

 

_Steven pushes Josh roughly into one of the bathroom stalls and follows him inside, locking the stall door behind him._

 

_"Stop," Josh tries. "S-Stev'n, luh-lemme go. I don't wan' this." He's shoved up against the wall, and he can feel Steven tugging at Josh's pants, pulling them down. "St-stop! I don't wan' this!" He tries to pull away, but his limbs won't seem to work, and it feels like his head is full of cotton. "Stop!" he takes another breath, ready to scream out for help, when Steven grabs his hair and slams his head against the wall, knocking the air out of Josh's lungs._

 

 _Josh rests his forehead against the wall, feeling paralyzed as Steven manages to get Josh's pants and underwear down to his knees. He tries to gasp for air, but it feels as though he's drowning, and he barely registers the sound of Steven spitting. Tears spring to his eyes when he feels a finger_ – _god, there's a finger_ inside _of him._

 

_"Please," he hears himself whimper._

 

_Instead, there's just a feeling of another finger worming its way into him, and Josh grits his teeth, grimacing in pain. He feels like he's being lit on fire, but he can't bring himself to care. There's another finger, twisting and turning, but Josh barely reacts._

 

 _Then the fingers are leaving him, and he gasps in relief. But the relief dissipates as quickly as it came when he hears the sound of a belt unbuckling and a zipper being pulled down, and Josh's hips are being grabbed and pulled back and oh god_ –

 

_Josh gasps wetly, clenching his fists. He tries to struggle away, but it just allows Steven to slip deeper into him._

 

_He closes his eyes and tries to take himself far away from this. It isn't hard. Nothing about this feels real._

 

_There's the sound of the bathroom door opening, and Josh's eyes widen._

 

 _"Help me," he croaks out. "Please, help me, help me,_ please."

 

_There's only the sound of someone urinating and a flushing sound._

 

_"Help me!" Josh manages to cry. "Please!" He hears footsteps walking away. Panicking, Josh yelps, "Please! Please, help me, oh god."_

 

 _He hears the door opening. Was he not heard? He takes a deep breath, preparing himself to scream. "HELP M_ – _"_

 

_Steven shoves a couple of fingers down his throat, cutting him off. Josh gags as he hears the bathroom door shut. Something new breaks inside of him. He knows he was heard. Why didn't anyone help him?_

 

 _The fingers leave Josh's mouth, and Josh rests his forehead on the gross, sticky wall. His legs are no longer supporting him. The pressure keeping him pushed up against the wall is enough to hold him up. Josh chokes on a sob as he feels the fingers tighten around his hips, and oh god, oh_ god _there's something wet_ inside _him, leaking down his thighs. His stomach heaves._

 

_Steven pulls back, and Josh slumps to the floor, no longer being supported. He hears a zipper and a belt buckle, and then Steven is gone._

 

_Just like that, he's gone._

 

_Josh doesn't know how long he lies there on the dirty bathroom floor, pants and underwear around his knees. He's fairly certain that other people come and go, but no one speaks to him. No one helps him. No one says a word._

 

_It's only until he hears the music stop playing does he drag himself up and pulls his pants back on. The hotel is only a couple of blocks from the club, thankfully, and Josh feels as though he's floating back. He feels hollow. Numb._

 

 

 

"We should call the police."

 

It takes Josh a moment to remember how to speak. _"What?"_

 

"The police," Tyler repeats. "The guy who– he can't get away with this."

 

Josh shakes his head. "This was months ago, Tyler. No one's gonna find him."

 

"Still," Tyler tries, but Josh shakes his head again. 

 

"No, Tyler," he mumbles. "He's not gonna be found. And…" he swallows, "and I don't want anybody to know."

 

"Josh," Tyler says, voice breaking, and Josh feels himself being suddenly enveloped into a hug. _"Josh."_

 

Josh hesitantly returns the hug. 

 

"I wish you'd told me sooner," Tyler says into Josh's shoulder.

 

"I was scared," Josh whispers. 

 

Tyler hugs him tighter. "You're my best friend," he murmurs. "I love you. You're my best friend."

 

"I love you too," Josh says softly.

 

"What were you scared of, then?"

 

Josh looks away. "I…" He bites his lip. "I thought you might… be disgusted. That– that you wouldn’t look at me the same anymore. I was– I was scared that you might not hug me anymore."

 

Tyler’s grip on him manages to tighten even further. "Never," he whispers vehemently. "There is nothing that would make me feel that way about you. _Nothing."_

 

 

 

_Josh isn't one to drink, so he's nursing a coke that's steadily making its way to lukewarm. He's sitting at the bar and watching some local metalcore band that's truly mediocre when some guy, maybe a little bit older than him, leans up against the bar and smiles at him._

 

_"Buy you a drink?" the guy asks, tapping his fingers against the bar._

 

_It takes Josh's mind a moment to figure out what, exactly, is happening. Guys don't hit on him (because they're usually too busy flirting with Tyler)._

 

 _"Sure," Josh says, surprising himself. He's not gay, but where's the harm? He gets practice flirting,_ and _a free drink._

 

_"What do you like?" the guy asks._

 

_"In general, or for a drink?" Josh says with a grin. It's been a while since he's flirted at all, but it's kind of fun._

 

_The guy chuckles. "For a drink." He leans in and whispers into Josh's ear, "We can talk about what else you like later."_

 

_Josh smiles as he waves his nearly empty coke. "Another coke would be nice, thanks."_

 

_"Coke and rum?"_

 

_"Nah, just coke."_

 

_The guy raises an eyebrow. "Live a little, man! What, are you the driver?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "I don't drink. And besides," he leans forward and murmurs, "not the driver. I'm all alone." He flashes a grin at the guy._

 

_"No distractions."_

 

_"Exactly."_

 

_The guy smiles at him before motioning the bartender over. "Two cokes, please." As the bartender heads off to go get them their drinks, the guy turns to Josh. "Wanna go grab us a table closer to the band?" he asks. "I'll bring our cokes over when I get them."_

 

_"Sure," Josh says, standing up._

 

_It's a couple of minutes before the guy joins him at the table._

 

_"The guy gave us coke and rums by accident," the guy explains. "I was straightening it out."_

 

_"Thank you," Josh says, accepting his drink. "I'm Josh, by the way."_

 

_"Steven," the guy says. "You from around here?"_

 

_Josh shakes his head. "No, just passing through."_

 

_"Same here," Steven says, taking a sip of his coke. Josh follows suit._

 

_"So, what do you do?" Josh asks._

 

_"I work in retail," Steven says. "Nothing exciting." He takes another drink. "You?"_

 

_"Oh, I'm in a band," Josh says._

 

_"Would I recognize you?" Steven asks._

 

_Josh shakes his head, grinning out of the corner of his mouth. "No, probably not." He crosses his legs and leans forward. "So, do you do this often?"_

 

_"Do what often?"_

 

_Josh shrugs. "I dunno. Buy guys cokes in bars."_

 

_"Well, you're the first one I've ever bought a coke for," Steven says, smirking a little. "But no. Not often."_

 

_"So, why me?" Josh asks._

 

_"Well, it's kind of hard to miss your hair," Steven says, smiling when he sees Josh run his fingers through his bright red hair. "And once you caught my attention, I noticed you looked a little lonely. So," he takes a sip of his drink, "I went over to you before someone else could."_

 

_"What made you think someone else would've came over to me?" Josh asks, taking a gulp of his coke._

 

_"Are you serious?" Steven asks, raising an eyebrow. "A pretty boy like you? You're like sex on legs, man."_

 

 _Josh feels himself blush. "Well, that's the first time someone's said_ that _to me."_

 

_"Really?" Steven asks, looking genuinely surprised. "Dude, I thought someone like you'd be getting laid with whoever you want every night."_

 

_Josh snorts, taking a drink. "No, not quite."_

 

_Steven leans forward, hand finding Josh's knee. Josh thinks about moving out of Steven's reach, but it seems more friendly than anything, and Josh relaxes into it._

 

_"I hope you're not too affronted by me trying to be one of those theoretical people," Steven murmurs._

 

_Josh feels himself blush, and he drains his soda instead of answering._

 

_"Wanna dance?" Steven offers, and why not? Josh follows him out into the crowd where couples are gracelessly grinding against each other to the music._

 

_"Come on," Steven says as Josh hesitantly moves closer to to him. He grabs Josh's hips and pulls their bodies together. Josh's eyes widen when their hips slam together, and oh, that's a penis._

 

_Steven mutters something unintelligible into Josh's ear, hands around Josh's waist as he grinds their hips together. Josh feels his dick twitch in response to the friction. He's not attracted to Steven, or to men at all, but his dick doesn't know the difference. Josh closes his eyes and pretends that it's a hot girl that's grinding up against him. Much better._

 

_"You're so fucking hot," Josh hears Steven growl into his ear, and Josh shivers a little. "I wanna fuck you so bad."_

 

 _Bad_ ly, _Josh thinks, but he doesn't say it aloud. He's a bit distracted by the way Steven's hands have moved from Josh's waist to his ass and are starting to grope._

 

_"Hey," Josh says, squirming a little. "Stop that."_

 

_"Come on," Steven murmurs. "An ass like yours is begging to be touched."_

 

_"Stop that," Josh says again, and he can feel Steven's hands reluctantly move back up to his waist._

 

_"Prude," he hears Steven mutter, and pointedly, Josh grinds against Steven's hips with a little extra enthusiasm. Steven lets out a choked moan, and Josh can feel his dick harden against Josh's hip._

 

_They dance some more, Steven trying to sneak in kisses. Josh gets out a no, but his muscles are starting to become weirdly heavy, and it's kind of hard to remain upright._

 

_"I think I need some air," Josh tells Steven, words slurring slightly._

 

_"You okay?" Steven asks, pulling back slightly so he can look Josh in the eye._

 

 _"Yeah, just_ … _" he gestures vaguely, "a little dizzy, you know."_

 

_"Okay, yeah, I'll get you outside," Steven says, wrapping his arm around Josh to support him. There's a bit too much physical contact for Josh's comfort, but he doesn't say anything._

 

 _"Steven, I_ – _I think the exit's that way," Josh says, trying to laugh as Steven walks him in the opposite direction of the clearly labelled exit sign._

 

 _Steven doesn't say anything; he just continues pulling Josh in the direction of_ … _of something._

 

 _"Steven?" Josh tries. "Steven, where_ – _where are we going?" When he doesn't get a response, Josh starts to tug at Steven's grip on his body. "Let me go," he says, but Steven just tightens his grip._

 

_Josh tries to fight down a wave of panic that floods him when Steven tugs Josh into the men's bathroom._

 

_"Dude, let me go," Josh says, except it comes out as, "Du, lemme go."_

 

_Steven pushes Josh roughly into one of the bathroom stalls and follows him inside, locking the stall door behind him._

 

_"Stop," Josh tries. "S-Stev'n, luh-lemme go. I don't wan' this." He's shoved up against the wall, and he can feel Steven tugging at Josh's pants, pulling them down. "St-stop! I don't wan' this!" He tries to pull away, but his limbs won't seem to work, and it feels like his head is full of cotton. "Stop!" he takes another breath, ready to scream out for help, when Steven grabs his hair and slams his head against the wall, knocking the air out of Josh's lungs._

 

 _Josh rests his forehead against the wall, feeling paralyzed as Steven manages to get Josh's pants and underwear down to his knees. He tries to gasp for air, but it feels as though he's drowning, and he barely registers the sound of Steven spitting. Tears spring to his eyes when he feels a finger_ – _god, there's a finger_ inside _of him._

 

_"Please," he hears himself whimper._

 

_Instead, there's just a feeling of another finger worming its way into him, and Josh grits his teeth, grimacing in pain. He feels like he's being lit on fire, but he can't bring himself to care. There's another finger, twisting and turning, but Josh barely reacts._

 

 _Then the fingers are leaving him, and he gasps in relief. But the relief dissipates as quickly as it came when he hears the sound of a belt unbuckling and a zipper being pulled down, and Josh's hips are being grabbed and pulled back and oh god_ –

 

_Josh gasps wetly, clenching his fists. He tries to struggle away, but it just allows Steven to slip deeper into him._

 

_He closes his eyes and tries to take himself far away from this. It isn't hard. Nothing about this feels real._

 

_There's the sound of the bathroom door opening, and Josh's eyes widen._

 

 _"Help me," he croaks out. "Please, help me, help me,_ please."

 

_There's only the sound of someone urinating and a flushing sound._

 

_"Help me!" Josh manages to cry. "Please!" He hears footsteps walking away. Panicking, Josh yelps, "Please! Please, help me, oh god."_

 

 _He hears the door opening. Was he not heard? He takes a deep breath, preparing himself to scream. "HELP M_ – _"_

 

_Steven shoves a couple of fingers down his throat, cutting him off. Josh gags as he hears the bathroom door shut. Something new breaks inside of him. He knows he was heard. Why didn't anyone help him?_

 

 _The fingers leave Josh's mouth, and Josh rests his forehead on the gross, sticky wall. His legs are no longer supporting him. The pressure keeping him pushed up against the wall is enough to hold him up. Josh chokes on a sob as he feels the fingers tighten around his hips, and oh god, oh_ god _there's something wet_ inside _him, leaking down his thighs. His stomach heaves._

 

_Steven pulls back, and Josh slumps to the floor, no longer being supported. He hears a zipper and a belt buckle, and then Steven is gone._

 

_Just like that, he's gone._

 

_Josh doesn't know how long he lies there on the dirty bathroom floor, pants and underwear around his knees. He's fairly certain that other people come and go, but no one speaks to him. No one helps him. No one says a word._

 

_It's only until he hears the music stop playing does he drag himself up and pulls his pants back on. The hotel is only a couple of blocks from the club, thankfully, and Josh feels as though he's floating back. He feels hollow. Numb._

 

 _It’s not real. He’s not real. Nothing’s real. It_ can’t _be._

 

_It's not until he's back, locked in the hotel bathroom does he feel a surge of cold panic course through his body. He showers with the water as hot as he can bear, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't warm the freezing hollowness in his chest._

 

 _Why is everything he owns so_ … _tight? He tears through his suitcase, frantically searching for something loose, something soft. He grabs a pair of sweatpants, and he pulls a baggy t-shirt over his head._

 

_He crawls into his bed, curling up and burying his head under the blankets._

 

_He feels empty._

 

 

 

"Stay alive!" Tyler screams to the audience.

 

He tosses a grin over at Josh's direction, and Josh returns it just as eagerly. They released an interview a couple months ago, featuring Josh speaking about his assault, and the support he received was almost overwhelming. It was nearly frightening to see how many people in the clique had experienced something similar, but it added a new dimension of camaraderie. There’s a clique-created support network now, and Josh nearly cries whenever he thinks about it. They're not sad tears, though.

 

"Stay alive," Josh echoes, "and stay– stay strong."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the record, guys, the organizations on the cards that the doctor gave Josh are both real. The Sexual Abuse Response Network of Central Ohio, which, as the name suggests, is a clinic in Ohio. RAINN, or Rape And Incest National Network, provides a rape and incest hotline for the US. Not only does RAINN provide a hotline via telephone, but there are hotlines for texting and online messaging. RAINN's website, which has plenty of information, can be found [here.](https://www.rainn.org/get-help) Planned Parenthood, the place Josh and Jenna go to for an STI testing, is a liberal organization with clinics all across the US focusing primarily in sexual health. Planned Parenthood's website is [here.](http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn) And if you would like to talk to me personally, my personal tumblr's askbox is open and can be found [here.](http://goingtothesun.tumblr.com/ask)
> 
> remember, guys, consent is everything when it comes to sex. if one party is (or both parties are) inebriated, use caution, or cease activities altogether. if a party does not answer when asked if they're all right, the other party should stop and check to be sure that the other party is okay. sex should be a fun experience, and both parties should respect both themselves and each other. the moment a party hesitates is the moment the other party should check to make sure that they're okay. do not worry about killing the mood; it's better to kill the mood than risk making the other person uncomfortable.


End file.
